Presences

PRESENCES

by: W. B. Yeats (1865-1939)

HIS night has been so strange that it seemed

As if the hair stood up on my head.

From going-down of the sun I have dreamed

That women laughing, or timid or wild,

In rustle of lace or silken stuff,

Climbed up my creaking stair. They had read

All I had rhymed of that monstrous thing

Returned and yet unrequited love.

They stood in the door and stood between

My great wood lectern and the fire

Till I could hear their hearts beating:

One is a harlot, and one a child

That never looked upon man with desire,

And one, it may be, a queen.

Blogging???

Today I saw the movie "Julie & Julia"... What a wonderful movie! Besides the simply enjoyment of a really good movie, the best thing about it - I came away inspired to "blog" more. Wow! I'm not even a writer but yet, something about this movie created inspiration inside of me to actually "WRITE MORE"! So, here I am, blogging away...

What inspires you to reach beyond the ordinary? To aim for something just beyond reach? Is it your faith? Your desires? Your ambition? Your boss? Your Mother/Father? What drives you to accomplish your dreams, hopes and desires? I have always had goals, but not so much ambition. I strive to be the best I can at whatever endeavor I've attempted. And yes, there have been many times I've failed miserably. Yup, fallen flat on my face! But you know what, I've always picked myself up and tried again. And if failure continued to slap me in the face - well, I moved on to something else. I don't necessarily call all my thwarted attempts failures - I refer to them as true learning experiences... and I've learned some hard lessons over the years.

So tell me, is it that hard to reach out and grab for something you really and truly want? I don't think so... I think it's all in how you look at things. If you go into something, knowing you're going to fail, well, chances are, you will... but, if you decide you're going to succeed, odds are, you will. Is it that simple? Probably not, but in the grand scheme of things, isn't it better to have tried and failed than to never had tried at all...

Twists & Turns

Have you ever noticed that just when you think you have everything figured out and all is going well, something happens and all of a sudden you're heading in a completely opposite direction? I've heard it referred to as the roller-coaster of life. You're traveling along on a nice straight section of life then, poof... next thing you know, you're heading south! I've had some abrupt twists and turns throughout my life, some were relatively seamless and some... just about snapped my head off! It's those that make me wonder if I, at age 45, really have a clue about what life truly is about? Many years ago, Tuesday, July 13, 1982 to be exact, was a major turning point in my life. Up until that point in time, I was a fairly quiet, shy, reserved young girl of 18. On that day, one year after graduating high school, riding in my 1966 Ford Mustang with my, at the time, boyfriend... BANG! Head-on collision!

This wreck put me in the hospital for several days and again later for a skin graft. Beside traveling half way through the windshield, cutting my face horribly, I had a concussion, a gash on my leg that was 4 inches wide and 8 inches deep into the lower part of my calf, bruised kidneys, and numerous other cuts, scrape and bruises. My boyfriend was injured also, but not as seriously and required no hospital stay - somehow, he landed in the backseat! This was the turning point for several things... after regaining normal cognitive thought - it dawned on me, had I died at this moment in time, would my family and friends know that I loved them? From this point on, I've made ever effort to let people know how I feel - it isn't always easy but, it's better than leaving things unsaid forever.

Some people never learn the importance of being open and honest and being able to express your feelings to those you love and care about. I learned this the hard way as well as other valuable life-lessons.

Because of certain circumstance due to this accident, I lost my first real job and my first real boyfriend... even though we're now friendly acquaintances. But then there were the blessings in disguise - I found my real career calling (drafting), found love, lost love and found it again... with all the ups and downs, twists and turns that come with living this life. And what a ride it's been and continues to be...

Poetry

Sweet Dancer

The girl goes dancing there
On the leaf-sown, new-mown, smooth
Grass plot of the garden;
Escaped from bitter youth,
Escaped out of her crowd,
Or out of her black cloud.
Ah, dancer, ah, sweet dancer!

If strange men come from the house
To lead her away, do not say
That she is happy being crazy;
Lead them gently astray;
Let her finish her dance,
Let her finish her dance.
Ah, dancer, ah, sweet dancer!

By William Butler Yeats

Boundaries

Boundaries. By definition it's something that indicates the bounds or limits. There all sorts of boundaries. Actually physical boundaries, for instance the boundaries of walls in your house or the fence around your yard. Invisible boundaries, like city, state or country lines or personal boundaries, and even professional boundaries? Invisible but just the same, real.

What happens when someone oversteps a personal or professional boundary? I know that I get extremely uncomfortable when a stranger gets physically close to me - they're inside my personal space, my boundary. What about the boundaries we invoke upon ourselves? We all have boundaries that we live by, that restrict us, guide us, and even protect us. For example, laws or rules establish a form of boundaries. Cross the line, and voila, you may find yourself being punished or even worse, behind bars.

I have wrapped myself in boundaries for a long time. Internal boundaries. I withhold much of myself from most people, and few really truly know or understand me. What happens if my boundaries were to unravel? Would I remain much as I am at this given time? I don't know. I've had relationship boundaries pushed, twisted and crossed. My first husband and I had tons of issues related to boundaries - mostly due to his kids and ex-wife. (but that's a whole other blog!)

What happens when your personal boundaries are crossed? I've tried following the Golden Rule... to treat others as you expect to be treated in the same situation. And I can personally attest, it isn't always easy. But that's another blog... for now, I contemplate boundaries, those physical, invisible, real and imagined.

Last Step

Desire has crashed and fallen

Thirst never to be quenched

Your shallow feelings grasping

Seek, beholding the lies you've told

Stare turns to glare, you question

All awake to hear, I dare give answer

Sensation lost in confusion

A path retreats behind you

A path of pain and deceit

For I know what you know

A touch, fleeting and gone

A step, into the abyss of nothing

For you pain and heartbreak

For me, finding loving peace

By Christy Henderson

(a rebuttal of sorts)

For I have LOVED and I have LIVED.

"I ask for no ones tears, pity, or forgiveness. For I have LOVED and I have LIVED."

Does anyone really know what "love" is? I think that love has to have a firm base of mutual respect, honesty, loyalty, affection, devotion, and a genuine desire to be someones' all and them be your all. To give yourself completely, to open yourself allowing your true colors to be seen, allowing the inner beauty and ugliness to be viewed... and then add in chemistry! When I first met my current hubby, we were both married to other people. And both unhappy. My first marriage was a struggle from the beginning. He had an ex-wife and two kids, a daughter and son. Most of our problems stemmed from the animosity that remained from their divorce, of which I had no part in. When we met, I really thought I had met someone I could really connect with... we had lots of things in common, love of outdoors, love of fishing, camping, etc. Unfortunately, the constant stress on our relationship due to different views on parenting/ex-wives and meddling family, adding in the mix of excessive alcohol... well it just didn't survive the barrage of issues.

I became a much happier person after husband #1 and I split. And soon, my happiness exploded... when I discovered my kindred spirit and soulmate... but that's another blog for another day.

"I love thee, I love but thee; with a love that shall not die; till the sun grows cold and the stars grow old."
Shakespeare

Gnurpled

What is "gnurpled"? It's what I have always called 'fried eggs'. Literally! I've never called them fried eggs, sunny-side-up eggs, once over eggs, easy over eggs, etc. And yes, I know those terms have additional meanings regarding eggs but in my world... they're simply "gnurpled".

I Hear...

“I hear the wind a blow
I hear the grass a grow,
And all that I know, I know.
But I will not speak, I will run away.”

By William Butler Yeats

Dreams, Goals, Aspirations

What are your dreams, goals or aspirations? I used to have very specific goals laid out - and still do, to a certain extent. Some of my "dreams" have gone by the wayside... lost in the world of getting older. At times I've wished them back but, reality has rendered them null and void. After all, age does play a part in some of my past ambitions. Some things just aren't possible!

Do you have dreams or goals? Have you done everything possible to reach them? I've been neglecting some of my ambitions and it's time to get back on track.

Here are a few of my goals:

1) Be debt free

2) Lose weight

3) Become a full-time professional organizer

I have more goals... but some are really too personal to list... at least on this blog! LOL!

Alone

Alone

The noon's greygolden meshes make
All night a veil,
The shorelamps in the sleeping lake
Laburnum tendrils trail.

The sly reeds whisper to the night
A name-- her name-
And all my soul is a delight,
A swoon of shame.

By James Joyce

Write What you Feel!

Forgiveness

By George William Russell

AT dusk the window panes grew grey;
The wet world vanished in the gloom;
The dim and silver end of day
Scarce glimmered through the little room.

And all my sins were told; I said
Such things to her who knew not sin—
The sharp ache throbbing in my head,
The fever running high within.

I touched with pain her purity;
Sin’s darker sense I could not bring:
My soul was black as night to me;
To her I was a wounded thing.

I needed love no words could say;
She drew me softly nigh her chair,
My head upon her knees to lay,
With cool hands that caressed my hair.

She sat with hands as if to bless,
And looked with grave, ethereal eyes;
Ensouled by ancient Quietness,
A gentle priestess of the Wise.

A few weeks ago, a good part of my evening was spent listening to my husband, the writer, and one of our friends collaborating on a new script… the other part, spent writing my latest “MySpace” Blog on resolutions. And yet now, I write more. (And I’m not even a writer!)

I’ve had to cause to delve back into poetry – reading many different verses, trying to grasp the tumbling madness that swirls through my brain at any given moment – fragments of thought screaming to be put to paper. The past week or so, I’ve felt a particular urge to turn some of that chaos into poetry. As I searched for something to calm the noise of my thoughts, I found the poem above. It hit a chord in me, reminding me of the song, “Hard Sun” by Eddie Vedder. If you’ve visited my husband’s MySpace page, you’ll note this is his current song – which holds an intense meaning for me and him.

Since love and marriage are not perfect things – and simply can’t be perfected… I have found that creating the right balance between him and me, to be a challenge. That’s not to say there haven’t been times when we’ve in perfect sync but, life tends to throws a ‘kink into the sync’, just to keep things interesting. How we handle the ‘kink’ is up to us. Do we let it spiral out of control, screaming all the while? Do we tighten up the ranks and close up the moat? Do we passively disconnect and let it slide? Do we pack up and depart with our tail tucked between our legs or our head held high? In my life of marriage (both 1 and 2), I’ve done a bit of it all! I’ve had everything spiral out of control, no matter how loud I screamed. I’ve closed up ranks and sealed the moat. I’ve disconnected and let things slide. And I’ve departed in more ways than one. What I call the education of life and love...

What can I say… isn’t life about learning? If love is to be a part of our life, then it comes with all sorts of impossibilities, improbabilities, and also, sheer joy and distraction. Life is about finding ways to move forward instead of backwards - It’s the intense flavor of what’s to come that pushes us to learn more about ourselves. Not always pretty, but all part of becoming who we’re supposed to be. Don’t you think?